【雅思作文批改】5.5分：分论点缺乏逻辑
对于太空探索花费的话题，你会怎么写？雅思现在的作文题目越来越趋向专业化了么？不是的，其实你可以避开专业化问题，把重点放在 花费 上，论述自己的观点即可。这位同学主要问题是逻辑有点混乱，最终得5.5分，现在来看看他是怎么写的？
作文题目：有人认为我们不应该进行太空探索，因为太耗钱。你同意还是不同意？
作文内容：
Many people think we should not carry on the space exploration because of vast expenses. I believe the cost of space exploration is high, but it is quite meaningful.
It is undeniable that space projects have always been incredibly money-consuming. Launching of satellites, building of space ship and maintenance of facilities are conducted at a cost of billions of dollars each year. In the meantime, a certain proportion of people o[b1] the earth have been suffering[b2] hunger, plague and environment pollution for decades.
However, I believe all the money spent on space exploration can be justified for two reasons. To begin with, the benefits brought by exploring the universe are too valuable to be measured with money[b3] . Farmers depend on the weather forecast to plant their wheat and corn. If they cannot receive the reform[b4] from the whether[b5] forecast about rainstorm and high wind, farmland would suffer from a big loss. In addition, people s routine traveling requires the GPS to locate their positions. Without it, we would get lost when we drive a car to go out side[b6] . So, whether our daily life or formal farm working, we would [b7] obtain the benefits from the contribution of space projects.
Furthermore, exploring the universe and seeking solutions to earth problem are not mutually exclusive. For example, space experiments are[b8] applied to the[b9] agriculture could lead to a good harvest in farmland, which relieve[b10] the hunger among the poor countries. what[b11] s more, people could compensate the shortage of resource on the earth by exploring the space resource, which helps humans to live on the earth for long.
In conclusion, I believe we cannot stop the projects about space exploration. Comparing to[b12] the high cost, the benefits brought by the space exploration are important significantly [b13] for[b14] human beings.
[b1]On, 拼写错误，应避免
[b2]表示因不幸的处境而遭受痛苦应用suffer from。
[b3]一般不用于描述好的事物，换成so that 会更好，如：so valuable that it cannot be simply measured with money.
[b4]用词不准，reform是改革的意思，学生想表达的是不是information?
[b5]Weather 拼写错误
[b6]Outside 拼写错误
[b7]Would 表猜测语气，削弱了对观点的认同性。应用will 或tend to.
[b8]Are 应该去掉，一个句子中只能有一个谓语动词，此句应为lead to, applied为过去分词后置做非谓语，限定修饰space experiments
[b9]The应去掉，农业在句中不必进行特指。
[b10]Which 指代的是前面的一句话，即太空实验能让农田丰收的事，而不是space experiments,因此应用第三人称单数。
[b11]句首应大写
[b12]被动含义用compared to。用comparing to 时后面常接宾语，如：comparing sb/sth to sb/sth.
[b13]过分使用，可简单表述为quite important/significant.
[b14]对某人很重要介词用to,表某人做某事很重要用be important for sb to do sth.
各项细评：
针对问题最大的一点给出修改建议：
分论点支撑略有跑题，文章要求论述我们应不应该进行大空探索，前提是太空探索费用太昂贵。学生的论点很明确，第一段提出观点认为钱花的很值，第二段描述就开始出问题，二段尾句提出太空探索花了很多钱，然而还有其他社会领域也需要钱，偏离了文章题目。接着第三段论述了太空探索的两个好处，第四段论述太空探索与解决地球问题互不矛盾，再次偏离文章要求论证钱该不该花的主题。
附批改原图：
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